Bear is not the preferred nomenclature, dude. Koalas, please.

Did I ever mention how much I enjoy charismatic megafauna? (I did.) Here in the United States, we have always been fascinated with the creatures from Australia. Especially the rare non-deadly ones. The koala (not to be confused with the koala bear, which does not exist) is the epitome of Down-Under-Cuddliness: it's got fuzzy ears, it snoozes all day in a tree, it looks like it's drunk even though it is not, and it carries its tiny furry babies around in a freakin' pouch. Nothing could be cuter, right? WRONG! Check this out.

Disgustingly adorable, right? So, here's what happened. Due to the aforementioned climate change issue, Australia has had some problems with drought. And by problems, I mean Big Problems. Already a dry country, the past seven years or so have been Australia's dryest in over a century. The majority of the country's "agriculture" comes from the Murray-Darling River basin, which covers over 400,000 square miles. Think bigger than Texas but smaller than Alaska. Eighty (80) percent of the eucalyptus trees in this area, which is basically the entire southeastern quadrant of Australia, are either dead or dying. And what do koalas eat? That's right, eucalyptus. In fact, this is all they eat. Eucalyptus is comprised mostly of indigestible material (obviously), so the koalas have to a) eat a lot of it, and b) try not to move too much, lest they waste precious ATP. I don't know about you, but that seems like less than a winning combination when your food source is rapidly disappearing. Koalas are listed as a priority species for conservation, meaning they're not quite in trouble yet, but it's only a matter of time. Actually, depending on where you look, they range from "abundant" to "locally extinct." So we'll just average it out and say perhaps they're in a little bit of trouble...and just to make things more interesting, there is a koala chlamydia epidemic! Shit!

I'm getting off topic. Anyway, koalas get 90% of their water from eucalyptus leaves. It is rumored that the word "koala" comes from an Aborigine word meaning "no water," but this is unconfirmed. As we all should know by now, water is a crucial ingredient to survival. Unfortunately, for the koala, when there's not enough food, there's not enough water. This has forced a solitary animal to stumble down from the trees and ask people (actually, their primary predator) for a drink of water. Sad. But totally cute. Here are some more pictures:

Aw

Awww

Awwwww (does chlorine get them drunk??)

Holy crap. This is so cute it hurts.

As you can see, they are just hemorrhaging cuteness. Which is why this is sad. People who actually live in Australia rarely see koalas outside of zoos. They are the shy, loner type, and are smart to stay away from us. I actually feel bad for them that they had to swallow their koala pride and stoop to interacting with humans. Just to swallow some koala water.

On a personal note, I was lucky enough to see a koala in the wild. It was far away, up in a tree, and not moving, so it was not actually as exciting as it sounds. But in theory, it was grand. I also got to hold a koala in a koala sanctuary. What I remember most about this experience was that I expected this particular koala to weigh approximately as much as a stuffed animal in the shape of a koala. It did not.

Me 'n' Sprite

So that was a Real Life example of how our changing climate affects the Real World. We're not just making it up. If you really want to help the koalas, you can. But if an animal as charismatic- and mega-a-fauna as the koala is in trouble, I can't help but wonder, what on earth will happen to the ugly ones?

Charismatic Megafauna, Now With More Charisma

Ok, so this is a tiny bit pre-emptive, seeing as the superawesome groundbreaking thing I am about to share is still in the research and development stage...but - there are some really cool pictures to look at, and it kind of goes along with a good cause, so I'ma talk about it anyway. Here goes:

We might be able to learn whale language!!

No, seriously.

So this guy, Mark Fischer is a whale researcher and computer nerd, I mean programmer. He graphs cetacean calls using an algorithm he made, and ends up with pictures called wavelets. It's ok to giggle at the word "wavelet." I did. Not only are these wavelets really cool to look at (each species looks completely different), but he is looking for underlying patterns that might lead us closer to understanding the intricacies of whale (and dolphin, too!) communication. The word "language" might be a bit of a stretch, but in conjunction with the research being done on whale migration, feeding, reproduction, etc., there is totally some potential here. We could learn what they are saying when they are looking for whale food, whale homes, whale love, and whatever else it is that whales do all day.



One big problem though: we can't hear everything the whales are saying. They don't exactly operate within the spectrum of our hearing range. What? The whales aren't there just to entertain us with their gloriously soothing songs?! Anyway, the recordings that are made tend to miss some of the frequencies, and therefore make it much more difficult to look at the whole picture. Even though it is a pretty picture regardless.
All in all, it's a fascinating idea. We'd finally find out if Moby Dick actually was evil, if chomping Jonah was really worth all the trouble, and if Willy actually wanted to be free. Either way, we get to look at these:

Humpback Whale

Minke Whale

And my very favorite, the beluga. Don't you just want to have that? A baby beluga swimming so wild and so free?



Which brings me to my next point. These wavelets (and more) are available as artwork, and you can put them in your house! Through an organization called Interspecies, you can donate money toward "healing our own species' emotional, spiritual and cultural ties with nature." It's something about using art to bring humans and other species closer together, bla bla bla. Whatever...they send you a cool picture in the mail. (Sidebar: Another artist, Jim Nollman, also has work available on Interspecies for a pretty donated penny - totally worth it though, he's pretty awesome). It is entirely possible, however, that all of this is totally useless - maybe Dory had it right all along, and wwwhhaaaaaallllessssss jjjjussssssst ttaaaaaalllllkk llliiiiiikkkeeee ttthiiissssssss......


As a complete non sequitur, I think the phrase "charismatic megafauna" might just be my all time favorite in the English language. That is all. Check out interspecies.com and aguasonic.com.

Reality TV

OK, so I realize that choosing reality TV as my inaugural "historical" breakthrough is slightly less than auspicious. The only reason is that I need to get this one out of the way so I can move on with my life. I am not one of the reality TV people (weirdos), yet somehow, I have been unable to escape it recently. The fact that it has completely infiltrated my brain means that I need to a) stop allowing other people to drive the television, and b) inform others of my thoughts on the pervasive culture of reality TV.

Once upon a time, the only "reality" television was game shows. Besides those, all small screen entertainment was relegated to people who had been deemed sufficiently attractive by the general public. Normal people do not belong in any sort of publicly televised situation without extensive coaching (and makeup). Along came MTV and The Real World, which apparently people still watch fifteen or something years later. Clearly, putting a bunch of annoying strangers in a giant house full of alcohol sounds like a brilliant idea. A little while later, Survivor happened. Having only seen tidbits of the very first season, I wonder what could possibly be holding people's attention after 17 seasons (seriously...17).

In the early days of reality TV, the shows were timid, and aware of the fact that they were putting regular (ugly) people on television, hoping that the results of their social experiments were entertaining enough for people to watch anyway. Now, it's hard to find TV that is just plain old non-reality TV. Apparently viewership has actually changed so much that every network ever created benefits from showing reality TV. So much so that it appears that reality TV is here to stay. Who knew.

A few gems you may have been lucky enough to miss:

Whale Wars: A Greenpeace expat recruits clueless dreadheaded volunteers (note the guy on the far left in the photo) on a mission to stop a Japanese whaling ship. This show oozes ineptitude in volumes you probably couldn't find anywhere else if you tried: they flip their Zodiac (in Antarctic waters), they fail repeatedly at disabling the Japanese vessel's propeller as the giant ship bears down on them, and best of all, when they are low on fuel and unable to find said Giant Japanese Ship of Death, the Actual Conservationists hang up on them when they ask for directions. Classic.

Half Ton Mom: This one chronicles the gastric bypass surgery of a 900 pound woman. She lost 60 pounds right off the bat, but then she up and died. Just like that. Since the whole point of the show was to encourage others in this situation to lose weight, they kept filming the show, inserting still photographs of the woman every time they didn't know what else to do. On the plus side (size?), you could make a drinking game out of the lingo: apparently the scientific name for people weighing over 550 pounds is "super morbidly obese." Awesome. Drink two.

Rock of Love Charm School: A classy-by-comparison Sharon Osbourne sics pieces of peroxide-blonde trailer trash on each other under the guise of training them in the art of marrying rock stars. Supposedly, bagging Ozzy Osbourne makes her an expert on the subject. The show might as well be one long blurred-out wardrobe mishap interspersed with the bleeped-out profanity that happens during an hour long cat fight. Oh VH1, how we miss the good old days of Pop Up Video.